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HOME MAINTENANCE
TIPS

Inspect and test smoke and fire alarms monthly. This can easily be done by starting a fire in your home. The fire will also create smoke thus killing two birds with one stone.

Recharge fire extinguishers annually. The most economical way of doing this is by going to a public place,(schools, office buildings, airplanes) and switching your uncharged fire extinguisher for one of there charged fire extinguishers. Best done with an associate who can act as a lookout.

Make sure responsible family members know how to shut off electrical, water and gas sources to your home. OR at least those family members that you actually like unless of course you are in their will.

Look for loose or exposed electrical wires and invite over your neighbors pesky children to play with them.

If fuses blow or breakers trip frequently; instead of having a licensed electrician determine the cause, just move.

If lights flicker or dim or appliances go on and off unexpectedly, your house is probably haunted. Once again we suggest you move.

Clean air ducts every five years. Save money doing it yourself. Use a small dog to crawl through the vents with a vacuum cleaner attached to its body. To get the extra dust apply glue to the dog's fur. After the job is complete have dog's fur clipped.

Ants and roaches a problem in the home? Insects thrive on crumbs. You can cut down on crumbs and insects by eating out.

If your dog sheds fur that mats into your carpet there is a way to get it out. Use his curry comb on the carpet. Prevent it from happening again by having your dog shaved or replacing your carpet with tile.

Don't waste time and effort cleaning spiders and webs out of your home. Leave them where they hang. When people comment on the filth simply reply, "They eat bugs." This excuse is a great way to hide your laziness.

Instead of dusting, use a yard blower and blow the dust right out the front door.

Keep candles on hand in case of a power failure. Using candles can also cut down on your electric bill.

To create more space, simply knock down a wall. If you need even more space get rid of some of your family members.

Watch reruns of 'Home Improvement' for home maintenance tips.

Avoid throwing dismembered body parts of former lovers down the garbage disposal. This could lead to clogged or slow draining pipes. Use a wood chipper instead.

Wood that has been damaged by prolonged exposure to water should be painted over. If it still shows move a piece of furniture in front of it.

Gutters usually get clogged up. Clean gutters each year. Cleaning gutters is a messy job. Remove gutters and you will never have to clean them again.

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