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THANKSGIVING DINNER
ETIQUETTE TIPS
After tasting the turkey never ask,"Is this Cosco?"
There is an old saying that fish and visitors stink after 3 days. Never tell any of your fellow guests that
they smell like fish.
If the turkey is too dry, it is okay to spit on your turkey however
refrain from spitting on your neighbor's turkey.
Do not blow your nose on the tablecloth. You may use the tablecloth as a
napkin by tucking it into your pants. It is important to remove the
tablecloth from your pants when leaving the table.
Keys, purses and briefcases should be kept off the dinner table at all
times. Same goes for cats, ant farms, spermicide gels, used hypodermic
needles, feminine hygiene products, bodily fluids, anything furry and
moving and missing digits from deceased family members.
Refrain from speaking with your mouth full. If you must speak, spit your
food out on the carpet and then say whatever is on your mind.
Remember to keep your elbows off the table and to sit up straight. If
you have doubts about where your hands belong then just put them in your
lap. By doing this you can turn a boring, mundane meal into an enjoyable
evening. Also you may use your napkin to cover any embarrassing wet
spots.
If your soup is too hot, do not blow on it. Save any blowing for an
after dinner treat.
If you find a hair in your soup, eat around it. Same goes for a toupee.
If you have a food particle trapped in your teeth, do not pick at it
with your fork. You could put a hole in your cheek. The unsightly hole
and the huge amount of blood loss will not only be embarrassing, it will
also make it more difficult to enjoy your meal. Also a knife works
better.
Feel free to smoke at the dinner table. If you need an ashtray just use
the glass of the person sitting next to you. Preferably when he/she is
looking the other way.
If you need to take medication while at the table, no explanations are
necessary. However if you require a blood transfusion during dinner, it
is appropriate to let the host/hostess know beforehand.
Always pass the food to your right. Even if there is no one on your
right and in doing so you would be dropping food on the floor. Remember,
etiquette first.
It is impolite to salt your food before tasting it. It is also
considered impolite to regurgitate your food after tasting it.
Never juggle your cutlery.
If you happen to pass gas at the table, always blame the dog. If they
have no dog then blame the person next to you. Never blame the goldfish.
Only AFTER dinner is it appropriate for you to do your 'pull the
tablecloth without disturbing any of the dishes' trick. Remember even if
the trick fails, a broken dish is one less dish to wash.
Don't use the chainsaw to carve the turkey.
Refrain from the ventriloquist act yelling "ouch" as if it came from the turkey as it is carved.
COPYRIGHT 1996- 2009, SCOTT KOWALL.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED